There have been far too many times in my life where I didn’t communicate my authentic experience, too afraid to rock the boat, disrupt the flow of a moment, somehow create disharmony. Ironically this is what creates the disharmony. When I act out of integrity with the moment I create and perpetuate the disharmony or pseudo aliveness.
Be honest with me
Do you know what it’s like to live in full integrity with yourself? I mean FULL ON 100% authenticity, zero survival based living type stuff? The type of authenticity where every single word you speak, movement you make, action you take aligns with every part of who you are and what you’re REALLY experiencing. A type of integrity where not even one centimeter of you is sacrificed for anything or anyone? If you are a I want to know. Tell me what you’ve discovered a long the way. Tell me what its like! I don’t know about you but my survival based parts have a field day about this.
“What people will I seriously offend, will I get arrested, will I wind up in prison, be all alone, will people want to kill me, will I die?”
I’ve discovered these are all real fears parts of me have.
What’s your strategy?
One of the scariest things for a recovering people pleaser/ perfectionist to hear is…
People will dislike you and you won’t get it perfect (if there even is such a thing). People will be angry with you, they will avoid you, stop talking to you, shut you out of their life, you will create chaos, AND life WILL still go on.
This is inevitable on the path of de-conditioning the survival based self and returning to full integrity in the body. AND, this is wonderful news because this means you are free to be wholly and completely YOU.
No one and I mean NO ONE else is uniquely cut out for the job that you were, so thank GOD and welcome to the role you were actually meant to play in your life.
The more integrity work I do, the more my relationships need renegotiating and the less room I have for pretending. And let me tell you, it is a scary thing when a survival strategy you’ve had your whole life just doesn’t work anymore.
I can now feel when the survival part of my nervous system kicks in. It quickly becomes painfully obvious. Inner alarms go off throughout my entire nervous system. My cheeks get hot, my stomach contracts, heart rate elevates. I’m burning. Am I on fire? What is happening to me?! Pretending, placating, pleasing, even freezing used to feel very familiar to my system and now it feels utterly toxic and I’m scared. When I’m not freezing or pleasing what on earth will protect me?
I will be naked. And I think that may be the very point.
My Integrity Report.
I’ve written and rewritten this section of this post too many times. At this point I feel angry that I keep writing words that don’t mean a damn thing and doesn’t reveal anything about what’s really going on. I feel angry at how I talk around things, stay in the concept of integrity instead of diving right in. I feel afraid. Afraid that it’s too much, afraid it’s unnecessary, afraid I’m hiding. So onwards.
The truth is right now I feel afraid to be around people not in my close circle. Afraid to be around any man because I honestly don’t know what will come out of my mouth or even how to be. I am entering month 3 now of an experiment called The White Widow Experiment and it is making me question who I am at my very core. In summary, it is a total decontamination process of the ways in which I use my sexual energy as a survival strategy and entails any contact from men unless logistically necessary for… well a while. This is a whole other post that I am not ready to write yet. You can read more about the experiment here if you’re curious. This is not about right or wrong, good or bad, it’s about recalling my integrity down to every cell of my being. It’s not comfortable and I’m committed to it.
For now, I am liquid. Some days I feel a clarity, joy, creativity and power I didn’t even know I had access to. Other days I am afraid to open my mouth, despising all men all over the world, and then I find myself grieving the parts of me that lost integrity and dignity to feel some sense of love, especially from men.
I know my earth shattering extraordinary relationships and creations are waiting around the corner of that last survival stuff in me that is convinced that everyone needs to like me, validate me, that wants to be seen as vulnerable, pretty, outgoing, passionate, hardworking, strong, soft, but not too much of any of that at the same time.
This last survival bit is hanging onto reasonable with everything she has because this is what good little successful girls do. They still play the game they were taught to play.
Whatever you do don’t be “too much”
Full transparency, I am still terrified to not play the game, the game of our modern culture, the game of fitting in, being nice, liked, saying the right thing at the right time with the right people. Blah blah blah, it’s getting exhausting and far too boring and constricting to stay in that good girl box. My inner pleaser perfectionist says,
“What if I lose them?” and there is a deeper part of me that knows it’s better than losing myself.
Recently, I am discovering that most of the people that I thought I would lose when I’m being wholly and completely authentic, turns out me being me brought us even closer. Imagine that. This brings me through an entirely different sadness lately, realizing I was in fact the one keeping myself from true connection and intimacy with the ones I loved based on a totally false assumption, that they would leave…How much connection did I kill based on totally false assumptions?
It’s never too late
Where have you lost integrity with yourself recently? And most importantly how will you get it back? Is there something you need to say to someone, to yourself?
Recovering integrity means taking an honest look at your strategies and techniques that you use to survive, manipulation and all. Are you willing to get ridiculously honest with yourself about how you have destroyed connection with inauthenticity and then proceeded to blame it on the other person or the situation?
You can practice recalling integrity with anyone at any time. You can say the following outloud with someone to witnss in front of you (extra points if its with the person you lost integrity with)
“Remember when I said, did, didn’t’ say, didn’t do (XYZ)”
“I’ve changed my mind about (XYZ)”
“What I really meant is (ABC)”
This is called cleaning up your mess. And voila integrity is yours again. Brilliant isn’t it?
You know the integrity recall is working when you feel the heartbreak. This is not about shaming, persecuting and blaming yourself when you finally see it all. It’s an intelligence and we all have different variations of these tactics. You wouldn’t be here without them. And, it IS your chance to FEEL! Feel the heartbreak of it. I have discovered that it is ONLY when I have felt the utter heartbreak of the ways in which I have killed connection that I was ready to start choosing something different, a new way of showing up and being in the world.
Totally naked and willing to FEEL IT ALL.
At my core I know, the deepest part of me and you is dying for real connection even if that requires being uncomfortable for some time. She is screaming at the top of her lungs to go buck wild with authenticity and see you do the same. I can hear her now,
“Get out there would you, and go make the mess you’re here to make. THIS is what you came here for!”
With more love and integrity than every before,
P.S. I don’t think anyone can or should do this work alone. Thank you to the team of women by my side these days who are fiercely loving me through it all.